A Step in the Right Direction

I’m sorry, my blog, that I have neglected you for so long. Trust me it wasn’t because I’ve had nothing to say. Quite the opposite. There has been so much going on in my life that I have not been able to talk about for fear of hurting certain people who may read this. It is not my own personal troubles, but that of a mess that has developed in my family. Without getting into details, a decision was made, people were hurt, and I have been placed into the position of marriage councilor against my better judgment. I have been dealing with this hardship quietly and trying not to let it overwhelm my thoughts. There’s so much that I want to pour out into words on here, but like I said I don’t want to upset anyone.

So with my excuse for lack of writing out of the way, I’m going to try and refocus myself on my life again. That may come across as a selfish statement, but I’ve noticed that when I spend more time on my worries and less time on healing me, I start to fall back into a more closed off me. Only seeing the worst in life, not the best. That is not a place that I want to go back to. So onward to finding my smile again. My first plan of action…to take on one of my larger personal issues and see if I can turn it into a positive.

Being a manager, I know that automatically places me into a separate category in the minds eye of my staff. I know that they don’t like every decision I make, and I know that they really don’t like having to answer to me when something goes wrong. But it’s all part of my job. Well I gave up caring what they all thought a few years ago. Or so I thought. As I see it now, I actually put up a wall against them. I stopped interacting with them. No more hanging out after work. No more asking how their lives were. Just polite interactions throughout the day. I began to change that a few months ago. Although I don’t socialize with them outside of work, I have been showing a more positive outlook towards them. A more friendly approach. Well, except with one. Being honest, I know this girl hates me. She and her friends are people I use to be friends with and it was very hurtful to me when I found out that they really didn’t like me, but were just pretending because they worked for me. If I’m being honest, I admit that I have not been nice to her on purpose because of the pain I was caused. With a little clarity, hope, strength, growth, and love, I have made my peace with it all. I believe that I am strong enough to let go of my past pains and that I am ready to move on. I will not let it control me anymore. This New Year I promised myself that I would try and turn over a new leaf with her. I am letting go of the old thoughts and starting fresh with her. Everyday I practice kindness towards someone whom I thought I couldn’t with. It’s amazing the response that I’ve seen. Not only can I see how comforted she is that there is a lot less tension in the office, but everyone else feels a sense of calming in the air and it is making everyone else happier too. I no longer dread going there because it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like my eyes are seeing my work place in a whole new way. I am proud of myself for this task. It’s not easy to forgive AND forget. Especially for me. Yet, I feel as if another inner weight has been lifted off of me. Lol, ok it’s been 3 days, but I think this one wont be as hard to follow, as I feared it was going to be! I am grateful for that. And for the lesson I am learning from this experience. And for the ripple effect I see it taking in other’s lives. I hope my future tasks turn out to feel this good. Hmmm…what else do I need to work on??

xo

See my blog…I did have something to say after all. Lol Thank you for letting me have somewhere to let this all flow.

Stopping to listen

Tonight on my way home I found myself having an 'out of body' driving experience. My car somehow drove itself to the lake where I like to go for some quiet time. I really had no intention of going there today. I had way too much work to do at home. But somehow I had turned off and parked the car before I had really comprehended where I was. I took it as a sign that my inner me needed to relax itself. I sensed this because it has been a while since I could hear myself think. No that's not quite right...I could hear myself think, but I had mastered the art of blocking it out. I was so consumed with what was going on around me that I forgot to stop for a minute and think about me for a change. What did I want? What was important to me? What was making me so uncomfortable in my own skin? It took the help of a good friend to help me see that I was tuning out my inner voice. The emotions that you're getting are the inner you telling you how you're truly feeling about things. Learn to listen to them and your mind will flow freer. That's advise that I'm grateful to have followed because as I've come to realize, ignoring my feelings and thoughts will only clutter my life more.

I grabbed my iPod and hit the path. Fully loaded with a variety of songs and beats for the trip, I ventured out to clear my head. It was however what my mind needed. Funny enough though, I didn't even realize it today. I've found a way to keep each day at ease. I've been freeing my mind so much now that I don't really worry about much anymore. And by that I mean the smaller stuff. The normal everyday bullshit. This stuff use to gnaw away at my nerves everyday causing me to go home and get stuck in reliving the crap from earlier in the day. Rethinking about things over and over again until it left me with a bitter taste in my mouth as I'd try to fall asleep...dreading the next day. Lately I thought that I was free from those feelings forever. But it wasn't until I stopped to sit on the swing for a few minutes, that it came to me. I was actually stressed. It was a much deeper feeling than I was use to when it came to stress. So buried that I would have easily overlooked it. There were some minor irritations to my day, I wont lie. But it comes with the job. Being a manager has it's moments that will make you want to pull your hair out. Trust me!! I don't know how I still have my all my chestnut locks! It's funny too, because I can deal with the bigger commotions. That's when I fly into action and become the capable person that I know I have in me. It's the petty BS that really gets to me. I'm not going to slam my job. It's been a huge stepping stone in my life and is definitely a major part of my life's story to date. I love my people and wish nothing but the best for them. But as for me...my time there is almost done.




I feel restless. I'm not use to sticking to one place for too long. It's weird. Sometimes I say that I'm scared of change. I sit contently. Watching. Waiting for something to happen "to me." Instead of getting out there and making things happen "for me." Well that's getting boring. I let my life become routine. I could predict down to the detail what would happen in the next 24 hours. How depressing right?!?! That's not living. That's dying a slow death. I've decided to let it all go. Well within reason anyways. I've started setting more goals for myself. It may seem like a small step, but it's been working wonders for me. I've given myself dreams that I want to see fulfilled. Events that I want to attend. Projects that I want to see myself complete. Adventures that I want to achieve. One by one I pick something that I want to do and I do it. With each completed task I get more and more insight into myself. It's another notch on my life's bedpost. Just a blur or smiling moments and pictures capturing the moments.

I am thankful that things have taken the turn they have. Sometime I just need a good kick in the ass. (I know mum...) Teachers have been telling me since I was a child, "She'll do great in the future...if she'd only settle down and apply herself." Well, although I don't really ever see myself "settling down" (I will be spirited until the day I die!) I will definitely make applying myself more of a purpose in my life. With so little time on this earth to really be at peace and enjoy life, why waste even a moment?



I think the ducks were trippin..

xo

Another of my "Firsts"

My first blog...hmmm where to begin?? I've been debating this blogging idea for a while. The thought of getting what's in my head out into the world just by sitting here and typing away amuses me. With the click of a button, people everywhere could actually have a private tour into the inner workings that is me. My biggest hold back to this exciting new journey?? What's stopped me from doing this in the past?? Well who would be interested in what I have to say?? What makes MY thoughts interesting enough to be out there? Tonight I finally said..."I do." I care about what I have to say. And whether or not I'm sitting on my patio scribbling away in my journal or sitting at my computer typing those same thoughts into a little box, one click away from posting, I'm doing what I intended to do. Getting the thoughts from the day out of me and into an emotional collaboration for ME to reflect back on. Should anyone else care to join in for the ride, please feel free. But ultimately...I'm doing this for me. Yet another step out of my comfort zone. I'm loving this new ride I'm on!
xo

Halloween 2009

Last year, on a road trip to visit a friend in Maine, I accidentally came across the wonder that is Salem, Massachusetts. And on, of all days...Halloween!! Not only is this town naturally and historically beautiful, but the people of the community are very warming and inviting. The experience I had last year automatically made me want to come back again for the next Halloween! From my first visit alone, I knew it was a place I could live. (Despite the fact that I swore I would never live somewhere colder than where I am now!!) Between the scenery and the friendly faces, I fell in love. I had the chance to meet some really great people from the area. All of which said that they were very happy with where they are living and had no thoughts of leaving.




This year I actually had more time to really experience the whole town and it's attractions. I was able to sit back and take the time to really observe the people and their interactions. A whole town devoted to embracing the tourists and showing them a good time! There are street performances from local people showing off their talents. There are live witch trials, where you'll most likely see a young peasant woman running through the town square. Chased by the angry mob chanting "witch" at her.



There are a large number of people who get dressed up to wander the streets in their costumes adding to the festivities. Many getting stopped and asked to pose for a picture. Everyone of all ages, young and old, getting together to openly enjoy the one day when everyone is able to be as unique as they want. It's true when they say that Salem is the party central for Halloween!!




Again this year I had lunch at the Salem Beer Works. A must do whenever visiting Salem. They have a variety of their own blends of beers, which I'm still working my way through. And the food...delicious! I had a Red Snapper salad that made my mouth water! I almost made myself sick trying to finish it. I just couldn't stop. lol Best of all, was that we were greeted with the familiar bright smile from the same bartender as last year. This year she was a little too busy to sit and talk with us again, but I gotta say...this chick rocks!





Another Halloween, come and gone. I thank the community of Salem, Massachusetts for once again putting on a wonderful performance and opening yourselves and your town to the adventurers seeking a little fun and excitement on such a spirited day. Until next year...




xo

Connect With Nature

My favorite kind of trees. Weeping Willows



It's like this tree was trying to pass on a lovely idea...






Natures palettes...


I am grateful that I live in an area where I can go for a drive and see beautiful sights like this. Growing up in this area gave me ample time to play in the woods. I've been camping many times and I can show you some of the most breathtaking mountain views. Some of my best memories are of the nature hikes my dad would take us kids on. He knew all the "off the beaten paths" and every weekend he would pick a new one and head us out for an adventure. Everywhere. All over Jersey, Upstate New York, and PA.
Learning to appreciate nature and animals is a value that I believe most people don't consider as important anymore. Perhaps if people could just see how beautiful the world was meant to be, they'd be more mindful in taking care of it. My two biggest environmental pet peeves are 1) air pollution/smog. It disgusts me to see a truck drive past with the black smog billowing out!! How can you see the emissions you're letting out and not do anything about it!?! 2) Litter!! Maybe I'm just one of those that always has a bag on me to put garbage in until I find a bin. But then hold it! Or put it in your pocket. Throwing it on the ground assuming that someone else will get it is just pure laziness!! I was taught at a young age to love nature and all her gifts. From the air we breathe, to the waters we swim in, to the earth we live upon. These are all natural blessings given to us with the hopes that we as human beings would create a natural balance between our lives and mother earth. If only she knew how we were going to change her, would she still have invited us to live here??

xo

Dear Jen,

Dear Jen,

You and I weren't what you'd call "close" friends. More like neighbor friends. We had hung out a few times. Shared some fun stories over a couple of beers. I even remember the time I asked your permission to see your guy's "lower than eye level" tattoo. (way cool of you by the way!) I loved how much energy you had. You could get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the town field for a game of softball with your friends. Then run home to cook and clean house before it was off the hospital that you nursed at. And you'd still have enough left in you to make an appearance at the party's! You were definitely a cool chick to be around.
I don't know when you started changing. We hadn't spoken in a long time. I didn't know that you were slowly pulling back from your life. No one did. Not even your closest friends. Everyone assumed that you were just spending more time with your guy. That's why your face started disappearing from the social scenes. No one knew that you had a darker reason for avoiding being seen. Something more important to you than the ones who love you. If only we had known sooner...
Jen, you died last night. You went for that perfect high...and couldn't come back. You are leaving behind a world of people who love you. There wont be any more softball games for you to play. No more party's for you to enjoy. No more lazy days playing video games for hours. No more. Just like that it was all taken away from you. For that perfect high. I'm sorry that you are no longer here with us. I truly hope that you are in a peaceful place now. I just wanted you to know how much you will be missed. And with your passing, I hope that the lesson reaches someone somewhere... Is it really worth it to get that high and possibly lose a lifetime of great memories?

Love,
Me.
xo

The Side Road

Today on my drive home I took the long way. It's something I like to do when I'm in no big rush. Taking the extra 10 minutes to get home is worth the chance to capture a picture like this one. I knew this would be a beautiful shot when I took it. Besides to magnificent glow coming from the sun, the sky has such a beautiful contrast of blues all neatly lined up one on top of the other. It's a peaceful drive past the town lake. There's a path around it which you can always find people walking and running. I sometimes like to stop here and watch these people doing their laps. You can often find me sitting on the benches or on the grass with my blanket. Sitting with my earphones in, scribbling away in my journal. I wonder if everyone has their little spots where they like to take a minute to sit back and just admire their surroundings?? Maybe a different route home that might help you get that one glimpse that makes you smile without even realizing it... If not, may I suggest that you be spontanious one day and turn off on that unfamilar road and find yourself another moment to enjoy.

xo